Float Dissolve

I spent the day photographing kids sports teams. It’s really great.

Whenever I think I feel that spark of enlightenment I get caught up thinking about it. I need more practice. I need more change. And the ever present I need more sleep.

Is it possible for a blog that centers around the blogger simply analyzing their own psyche to become popular? Why would it? I don’t think I’m typing this for that reason. I think I subconsciously do. I think I might remove posts that don’t pertain to this topic.

Tonight somebody helped me realize that two minutes after I was talking about how my Dad acts just like my Grandfather and persists that everything they believe is absolutely correct and there is no doubt about it and everyone that disagrees is full of shit, I was acting the same way. I never thought it possible to release the tension inside that is present while heated exchanges are happening and actually listening to the person. I’m getting better at it. There is much more room for improvement.

I’m at a point right now where I feel I do everything I have interest in doing somewhere between mediocre and intermediate. Everything. I really have to concentrate. I need to organize .

Good Night.

Today I must find another job. Whether it is a different full-time job or part-time. I’d love to be able to work in a photography studio or the like, but in my area I believe there’s about two of them. This is somehthing I have to do.

I ran last night for the first time in a very very long time. My lungs felt engulfed in fire. Eventhough I quit smoking cigarettes about five years ago I was still inhaling smoke pretty frequently.

These situations are the same. Due to years of inactivity I must now push myself through the pain of changing. I must experience the pain and not attach myself to it or blame anyone else for inflicting it on me. Things happen to everyone and the only difference between people is what they do about it. I have been blaming outside sources. It is time to change within. At the same time I must not attach myself to these jobs. I have been stuck where I am because of my view of the situation, something I have full control over. I have viewed it too inconvenient to work more.

Like water, changing shape and flowing…

The current routine I am in is quite unfulfilling. I’m sitting here in the apartment by myself after working all day. Naturally with a deck of cards and a glass of water, listening to loscil. How can I right now be connected to so many people in the world and still feel like I’m merely writing in my journal. I get bored with forums and don’t care to find a decent chatroom. Am I bored because I’m not doing anything or am I not doing anything because I’m bored. It is a state of mind that I have the willpower to change. If I stop telling myself that I am bored then I won’t be. How can I be bored when so many amazing things are happening right this moment.

I contemplated e-mailing an ex-girlfriend and explaining how I view the still unresolved break-up we had something like 5 years ago. Then I decided not to.

I do feel like drawing. I mostly feel like leaving the apartment but knowing I have to work at 7am tomorrow makes me lethargic.

Who am I typing this for? If I’m typing and posting these words on the internet I suppose they should be interesting enough for someone to read. I don’t feel that’s entirely true. I’m not really concerned with it either.

My feet are cold and I should eat something.