Float Dissolve

Today I must find another job. Whether it is a different full-time job or part-time. I’d love to be able to work in a photography studio or the like, but in my area I believe there’s about two of them. This is somehthing I have to do.

I ran last night for the first time in a very very long time. My lungs felt engulfed in fire. Eventhough I quit smoking cigarettes about five years ago I was still inhaling smoke pretty frequently.

These situations are the same. Due to years of inactivity I must now push myself through the pain of changing. I must experience the pain and not attach myself to it or blame anyone else for inflicting it on me. Things happen to everyone and the only difference between people is what they do about it. I have been blaming outside sources. It is time to change within. At the same time I must not attach myself to these jobs. I have been stuck where I am because of my view of the situation, something I have full control over. I have viewed it too inconvenient to work more.

Like water, changing shape and flowing…

The current routine I am in is quite unfulfilling. I’m sitting here in the apartment by myself after working all day. Naturally with a deck of cards and a glass of water, listening to loscil. How can I right now be connected to so many people in the world and still feel like I’m merely writing in my journal. I get bored with forums and don’t care to find a decent chatroom. Am I bored because I’m not doing anything or am I not doing anything because I’m bored. It is a state of mind that I have the willpower to change. If I stop telling myself that I am bored then I won’t be. How can I be bored when so many amazing things are happening right this moment.

I contemplated e-mailing an ex-girlfriend and explaining how I view the still unresolved break-up we had something like 5 years ago. Then I decided not to.

I do feel like drawing. I mostly feel like leaving the apartment but knowing I have to work at 7am tomorrow makes me lethargic.

Who am I typing this for? If I’m typing and posting these words on the internet I suppose they should be interesting enough for someone to read. I don’t feel that’s entirely true. I’m not really concerned with it either.

My feet are cold and I should eat something.