Float Dissolve

I went to Tyson’s Corner last night to walk around and observe.

On the way there I was in quite a bit of traffic getting onto Route 7. I instantly thought about what my friend in Brazil said about it: 2 tons of materials to hold one person each. We really spend a ton of time separating ourselves from everyone else.

I had a quarter with me and when I went to get something to eat there was a father and daughter in front of me. She must’ve been two or so. I dropped my quarter and she noticed so I gave it to her. She looked up to her Dad with excitement and said, “I can put it in my piggy bank!”

It was great.

I left my cellphone in the car since I consider that time to just be where I am without any other distractions.

The food I bought looked like it would be too much for me but I ended up eating all of it. Probably a little too fast though

Later I decided to get some ice cream. It was a bit too heavy on my stomach and I realized ice cream is crap when you’re not sharing it with someone else.

I do like the new addition to Tyson’s. It’s pretty marvelous. Coming down the escalator from the third floor and looking down to the first is a wonderful sight.

I never really cared much for shopping (although with my daughter I absolutely love it!) but being around so many different people and seeing how they interact with each other is beautiful.

I went to the Wat Lao Buddhavong again yesterday.

The first time I went I met a guy that was in a very similar situation as I am and has also accepted that it is his own fault.

Actually when I got there, a monk out front asked me if i was there to meditate. I hesitated as I wasn’t sure. He pointed and said, there is your friend.

I had never met the guy before but, of course, this is how monks are very wise. I started talking to Jeff for a while and he informed me of some of the customs he had learned about after visiting for a few days. It was very soothing to know that I’m not alone and that there is someone else who is also taking the steps to transforming their mind.

We walked around a bit and then some workers called us over. They had just finished a long day of work and were grilling some steaks, having some beer and relaxing.

It seemed like only two of them could really speak English well. One in particular, I unfortunately can’t remember his name was full of life and very generous. He said, go head, eat eat.

I told him I’m a vegetarian but since he was offering I felt accepting his gift was more important than my ideals. So I had a few pieces. They also had some sticky rice which was delicious. They had a very spicy sauce to dip everything in and my stomach felt upset afterwards.

After talking to those guys for a while my anxious feeling came back again. I realized it was time to go.

I went back into Manassas and spent the rest of the night with Haley. I was completely at ease again.

Yesterday I went and expected to see Jeff again but he wasn’t there. This time no one greeted me but there was one monk sitting at the pavillion on the edge of the pond. I walked up and sat down, we nodded to each other and then both sat in complete silence. After a bit he left and I moved down to the little dock closer to the water.

I watched all the activity that was going on in the pond. The day before I hadn’t noticed exactly how much life there was going on in the pond. Little bugs, dragonflies, koi, turtles,lilypads and some other plant that looks like a lilypad but comes up out of the water.

The turtles were my favorite. They kept coming up close to me and gently poking their heads out of the water and staring at me then out of nowhere darting back under the surface.

I walked back up the path towards the parking lot again and sat in a swinging chair and took a nice little cat nap.

I felt like I was really beginning to unlock the love inside of me so I went to Fair Oaks Mall. I walked around the perimeter of the upstairs and then the downstairs just observing and smiling at everyone that passed by. I’m just starting to be able to really see other people. We’re taught how we look doesn’t matter but we’re not taught exactly what does. Then we spend the majority of our lives watching flashing or printed images.

There were a few people that actually smiled back and it felt so warm. Everyone else was absorbed in their agendas and self-images. When they looked up at me they instantly looked away.

Before I’d internally criticize them for acting like that, but now that I’ve accepted that I am the exact same, compassion is slowly taking over the disdain.

Babies of course just look with their brilliant absorbing eyes. They instantly sense sincerity.

Then my ex-girlfriend called me and asked if I would like to go for a walk. I said sure. We spent a couple hours walking and then driving, talking all about how we feel right now. It was wonderful. Her boyfriend broke up with her and she’s aware of the mistakes she has made but just doesn’t know what to do. Hopefully me listening and sharing what I have been trying to do to improve helps her.

One of the things that came up was that for a long time she felt I was this perfect, hardworking father and husband. I sent an e-mail out recently detailing the mistakes I have made since I have been married. She said that was a complete shock and in some way I think it was comforting for her. To know that we are all fallible humans searching for happiness.

This is just the beginning and I have the rest of my life to work on it.

Last hour of work.

Drawn with a mouse and some found images.

I realize now what I was communicating. I’ve always been attracted to using distorted pieces of the female form in my art. From watching pornography at such a young age, the image of a female having sex has always caused an amazing amount of confusion in me. All at once I craved it, found it beautiful and hated how the women were just objects to be ’shot on’.

The other activity I grew up with was videogames. I have associated the two images to show the distorted view of reality I have had for such a long time.

The heart represents the even more painful misconception of viewing sex or physical affection as love, in and of themselves. So when I don’t get either I feel that I do not have love.

The empty room shows how lonely it is to think this way.

These misconceptions have only caused pain in my life. First I have been able to admit that I caused this pain in someone who is very important to me, then I realized how much pain I have inflicted on myself carrying these thoughts around.

I am working very hard at transforming my view. This quote from ‘Hidden Mind of Freedom’ by Tarthang Tulku is what I aspire to.

“Everyone feels a need for contact and support, and it is natural to think that the fulfillment of this need will come from relationships with others. Most of us are taught that love is outside us, something to be obtained. Thus when we do find it, we hold it tightly to ourselves, as if there were not enough to go around. But as love becomes selfish grasping, we cut ourselves off from true intimacy.

The most rewarding love we can realize is the love that is already within us, at the heart of our being. Here there is an infinite source of warmth that we can use to transform our loneliness and unhappiness. As we contact this nurturing energy, we find the inner resources necessary to be truly responsible for our own growth and well-being. We learn to maintain a healthy body and mind, and to care for ourselves in the best possible way in every situation. When our ability to fulfill our own genuine needs expands, we are able to truly help others as well.

If you feel that love is missing from your life, you can create the positive warmth of love within your heart. Let yourself feel this inner glow; expand it, letting it touch all your experience with a gentle happiness. The more you do this, the more love you discover within, and the more you have to offer others. You can become truly self-sufficient, not needing to rely on family, friends, or lovers. No longer must your relationships be based on insecurity or emptiness; you can be free to express your feelings fully, and to deeply appreciate yourself and those around you.”

“I’m holding Daddy’s hand so that he doesn’t get lost again.”

Instant moment of clarity. I will never be the same.

Gorgeous, fantastic, brilliant portraits.

If I had the money I would buy this painting right now.

(Infected by Drawn!)

I was riding my bike last night and when I came to an intersection a girl sitting a car yelled, “Hey!! Stop buying crap and go home!!”

I took her advice.

I’m wondering if she said ‘crack’ and not ‘crap’.

I am not losing anything. I’ve gained a very deep connection with two of the most beautiful beings I’ve encountered. All experience is precious. We delude ourselves from the present by the made-up cloud of either past or future.

Seeing things as they are without attaching labels.

“Once you have succeeded in freeing yourself from such attachment, the perception of the illusion-like nature of reality will automatically arise. Whenever things appear to you, although they appear to have an independent or objective existence, you will know as a result of your meditation that this is not really the case. You will be aware that things are not as substantial and solid as they seem. The term ‘illusion’ therefore points to the disparity between how you perceive things and how they really are.”

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama