Float Dissolve

This dream was pervaded with violence. It started in a bookstore/coffee shop. This guy I’ve seen around town in Manassas for the past couple years was sitting in a corner. He started yelling at me and I yelled back. I was standing in line and suddenly, I guess one of the guy’s friends, came up to me and started threatening me. It was more annoying than intimidating. I pushed him over and he became very mad. I realized I was with Robert and we both left.

I was in a house and this band was playing (actually multiple bands were playing at the same time). I was sitting in a room with Davey and one of the bands was all sitting around a table. Either Davey or I made a comment that they sounded like a certain band. One of the band members became very very angry. He left. Everyone was sort of shocked by his reaction. I went outside and realized he was coming back in some kind of MECH suit. He started firing missiles at the building and everyone. I ran inside and made my way upstairs amidst all the panic. Upstairs some people were relaxing and watching television. The sounds of killing were heard downstairs. I told the people in the room what was going on, they weren’t too concerned. I climbed out the window and hung onto the brick sill so I could move to the townhouse next door. When I reached over one of the bricks was loose and I almost lost my grip. I let the brick fall (I distinctly felt the texture of the bricks, things became very vivid at this point) and move over to the next house where everything was normal and a party was going on. I went up on the roof and Connie was there with some friends, she gave me a big hug then sort of stopped, realizing she was there with her girlfriend. I said hi to everyone.

From Samyutta Nikaya:

The five groups are the heavy load,
The seizing of the load is man.
Holding it is misery,
Laying down the load is bliss.
Laying down this heavy load,
And no other taking up,
By uprooting all desire,
Hunger’s stilled, Nibbaana’s gained.

Sometimes in my head I break things. For instance, I just smashed the window next to me. It’s a nice release for a non-violent person.

The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten. The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten. The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to. -Chuang Tzu

Obviously, not ALL police are awful, self-righteous human beings.

But this is a wonderful example of how they can be.

Whoops! Sorry, sometimes we have to kill innocent people minding their business, it’s all part of the job. I am a police officer, not a human being that should be punished for killing.

I saw a dead squirrel in the road earlier this week. On my walks I saw it again and again. Every time it was a little bit more gone. Tons of those shiny green flies were dancing on it. I just imagined how many lifeforms were fed because of this one dead body. I think people also ran over it more because it was a little bit flatter each time.

raining raining raining

Luckily I came across Colleen. She has provided the most beautiful soundtrack for these two overcast, rainy days I have been experiencing. Did I come across her music because it’s been like this? Is it like this because I’ve come across her music? Neither? Both? Never? Always?

Tonight I’m planning on buying a pizza that wont smell like throw up.

Recommended:

Colleen - Golden Morning Breaks

OOIOO - Gold and Green (Thanks D)

The Fabric of the Cosmos - Brian Greene

Two nights ago I saw a man lying on the side of the road not moving. A police officer was looking at him with a flashlight. There were some people gathered around and one was making hand movements to suggest a hit and run.

Yesterday on my morning walk I saw a cricket on its back struggling for life. I tried to flip it back over but it just turned over again and continued to writhe. On my afternoon walk I saw it again, still fighting. I told it to just let go. This morning the dead cricket was being eaten by ants.

I have been really contemplating the dream-like nature of waking life. Scientifically there is a lag between events and our experience of them. Then our reactions and stories surrounding what happened place an overlay on top of right now and becomes our experience of reality. If we mistakenly identify with this construction of mind it can be a very big problem. It’s not to say things don’t happen and there is no reality. Just that what we consider ‘real’ isn’t so concrete. It’s constantly changing moment after moment. It is the mind that creates continuity and imbues meaning into things. In this way when we change our minds we change our reality.

The dream-state is the same. It’s just much more flexible and less stable but it’s still an experience constructed by the mind.

Failure isn’t a concrete block. It’s a wrong action repeated again and again. It just takes skill to identify it and to stop doing it in exchange for something that does work. I think that’s a big problem, thinking we just have to give things up we’re used to and that’s that. The bad habit must be replaced with a good one.

Sometimes it’s very counterintuitive. The right thing might not seem to be doing anything at first but with a deeper understanding you just start to know that the actions are planting seeds that will blossom in their own time. Studying successful people is very useful for getting this deeper understanding. Not to copy what they did but to see how they did it.

It’s all about the process. If we get too excited about the result impatience can arise and ruin everything. If we get discouraged by a lack of instant gratification laziness can arise and ruin everything.

All things in life are done the same way. They seem so different and separate if we get caught up on the details and terminology. But really all things grow the same way.

Decide what you want to do and continue to hold the intention regardless of current conditions. Regardless of doubt or criticism. Understand that opportunities for progress might not be exactly what you expect.

In a dream, with much practice, we can make everything change in an instant. In reality we can still create changes we want it just happens much slower but they come from the result of the same practice used in dreams.

When I tell people I go to Tyson’s Corner to meditate I just about always get a strange look or laugh. It seems silly at first but that is because of a preconception of what the mall is and its function.

It takes a very quiet mind, something I don’t claim to have but am really working on. I have had some brief moments walking around the galleria where the chatter stops and I’m simply in the moment.

There are a number of practices that can lead to this. I normally don’t go into any stores. The last time I went I walked into Abercrombie & Fitch. I noticed the thoughts I have attached to the name rise up when I walked in. Then a memory of going in there and buying gift certificates one Christmas. Then those faded and I paid attention to the smell. This is a very important part of the environment that they created for the store.

Then I just noticed the people. People in line, workers, people browsing. It’s all very well choreographed. Everyone plays their roles. But underneath we’re all bones. On top of them are layers of meat, skin, etc. Then with our minds we create more and more layers. Then we believe that these layers we hold in our minds are ‘it’. That the thoughts I attach to ‘me’ are in fact me and that the thoughts I attach to ‘you’ are you.

The more sensitive I become the clearer these layers are. I saw two attractive women standing in line at Barnes & Noble. Now right off the bat is my conception. Somehow I adopted the layer in myself of attractive women being on a higher, unattainable level than myself. Subconsciously I feel like they’re super confident and have everything figured out. Now, it’s not really important where the conception came from. Over 25 years it’s a mixture from many sources. The point is to just see it and understand that it is a fabrication of the mind and can be let go of. So while paying attention to my reaction to the scene in front of me I watched one of the women look the other up and down with a somewhat intimidated look on her face. Then I really started feeling sad. I was witnessing someone looking at another person as if how they looked was a competitive sport and she was losing.

We’re told over and over while growing up that looks aren’t everything. Then we’re plopped in front of the television where it’s nothing but looks. Magazines, movies, videogames, etc. A constant waterfall of images that whether we admit it or not, think are real. Then we’re constantly trying to align ourselves with whatever mixture of these images stick in our minds and the real people behind the images don’t even look like that in reality.

I’m very hopeful that it’s changing. The amount of stress we put on ourselves is unbearable and the worst part about it is that we’re not even aware of all of it. It’s just constantly sitting there under the surface eating at us.

A very good first step is to stop watching television. It can be hard at first but once you’ve done it you can’t imagine how you were able to sit idle for so many hours being fed other people’s fantasies.

http://www.tvturnoff.org/
http://www.turnoffyourtv.com/
http://www.adbusters.org/metas/psycho/tvturnoff/
http://www.tvbgone.com/cfe_tvbg_main.php

Experiencing non-dualism and then explaining it is a paradox. So it can kind of be sketched and hinted at but really the words are meaningless. It reminds me of the scene in Shine when the teacher is telling him to learn all the notes in order to forget them. Read and read and read with the intention of forgetting the words. This is very hard to grasp in our society. Materials are taken to have inherent value. How can you have a thought without words? We think the words are experience.

We feel like a $100 bill is worth something all on its own. It is not. Its value is a creation of mind. I can only imagine it costs about the same to create ten $100 bills as it does ten $1 bills.

We think looking skinny is health. We think an orgasm is sex. We think feeling full is eating. We think being rich is having a lot of money. Do whatever we can to increase pleasure and comfort and decrease pain and discomfort. We’re conditioned to believe that pain is something that needs to be avoided. A sign of weakness.

But comfort is tinged with discomfort. When I find a very comfortable position in a seat, it’s not too long afterwards that it is uncomfortable and I feel the urge to shift. So what is it? Is it a comfortable position? It depends on so many things. Eating my favorite ice cream tastes really good and makes me feel good. But if I continue to eat a couple gallons I don’t feel so well. So what is it? Is it good or bad? Feels good to eat or bad to eat? It’s both. If I eat it mindlessly, subconsciously I think this is how I always want my mouth to feel, then when I’m finished I will feel very let down because my mouth doesn’t feel the way I decided it needs to. Then since the feeling is associatied with ice cream, I crave ice cream to induce the feeling. Then what happens if I don’t get the ice cream? Frustration, sadness, anger. Even jealousy at seeing someone else having ice cream. Haha.

Since our experience is relative, something out of the ordinary can either lift me up or pull me down from the middleground. If I think this temporary elation is a thing all by itself and not relative to my center, it can be very painful to go back. Conversely it can be very pleasurable to go back after being pulled down from it. But that pleasure is dependent on experiencing the pain of being pulled down.

Pleasure is very dissatisfying if I’m not prepared for the inevitable pain that is mixed together with it. When I raise my perspective to a higher point I can see that the pleasure and pain are aspects of one experience. They are the same.

It’s so difficult but ultimately rewarding to be content with both pleasure and pain. Contemplating or trying to explain how they are the same thing is annoying. Experiencing them as the same thing is brilliant.

It’s very hard to express. Since these are all words.

It’s all balance. And balance is not standing still. Watch someone balance a stick on their chin and you can see how much activity there is. It’s a constant adjustment . It starts to fall to the right, move a little to the right. It starts to fall to the left, move a little to the left, etc.

Pleasure and pain are dependent on external conditions. Awareness , through much practice, remains stable and unaffected by external conditions.