Float Dissolve

From Samyutta Nikaya:

The five groups are the heavy load,
The seizing of the load is man.
Holding it is misery,
Laying down the load is bliss.
Laying down this heavy load,
And no other taking up,
By uprooting all desire,
Hunger’s stilled, Nibbaana’s gained.

Two nights ago I saw a man lying on the side of the road not moving. A police officer was looking at him with a flashlight. There were some people gathered around and one was making hand movements to suggest a hit and run.

Yesterday on my morning walk I saw a cricket on its back struggling for life. I tried to flip it back over but it just turned over again and continued to writhe. On my afternoon walk I saw it again, still fighting. I told it to just let go. This morning the dead cricket was being eaten by ants.

I have been really contemplating the dream-like nature of waking life. Scientifically there is a lag between events and our experience of them. Then our reactions and stories surrounding what happened place an overlay on top of right now and becomes our experience of reality. If we mistakenly identify with this construction of mind it can be a very big problem. It’s not to say things don’t happen and there is no reality. Just that what we consider ‘real’ isn’t so concrete. It’s constantly changing moment after moment. It is the mind that creates continuity and imbues meaning into things. In this way when we change our minds we change our reality.

The dream-state is the same. It’s just much more flexible and less stable but it’s still an experience constructed by the mind.

Failure isn’t a concrete block. It’s a wrong action repeated again and again. It just takes skill to identify it and to stop doing it in exchange for something that does work. I think that’s a big problem, thinking we just have to give things up we’re used to and that’s that. The bad habit must be replaced with a good one.

Sometimes it’s very counterintuitive. The right thing might not seem to be doing anything at first but with a deeper understanding you just start to know that the actions are planting seeds that will blossom in their own time. Studying successful people is very useful for getting this deeper understanding. Not to copy what they did but to see how they did it.

It’s all about the process. If we get too excited about the result impatience can arise and ruin everything. If we get discouraged by a lack of instant gratification laziness can arise and ruin everything.

All things in life are done the same way. They seem so different and separate if we get caught up on the details and terminology. But really all things grow the same way.

Decide what you want to do and continue to hold the intention regardless of current conditions. Regardless of doubt or criticism. Understand that opportunities for progress might not be exactly what you expect.

In a dream, with much practice, we can make everything change in an instant. In reality we can still create changes we want it just happens much slower but they come from the result of the same practice used in dreams.

Experiencing non-dualism and then explaining it is a paradox. So it can kind of be sketched and hinted at but really the words are meaningless. It reminds me of the scene in Shine when the teacher is telling him to learn all the notes in order to forget them. Read and read and read with the intention of forgetting the words. This is very hard to grasp in our society. Materials are taken to have inherent value. How can you have a thought without words? We think the words are experience.

We feel like a $100 bill is worth something all on its own. It is not. Its value is a creation of mind. I can only imagine it costs about the same to create ten $100 bills as it does ten $1 bills.

We think looking skinny is health. We think an orgasm is sex. We think feeling full is eating. We think being rich is having a lot of money. Do whatever we can to increase pleasure and comfort and decrease pain and discomfort. We’re conditioned to believe that pain is something that needs to be avoided. A sign of weakness.

But comfort is tinged with discomfort. When I find a very comfortable position in a seat, it’s not too long afterwards that it is uncomfortable and I feel the urge to shift. So what is it? Is it a comfortable position? It depends on so many things. Eating my favorite ice cream tastes really good and makes me feel good. But if I continue to eat a couple gallons I don’t feel so well. So what is it? Is it good or bad? Feels good to eat or bad to eat? It’s both. If I eat it mindlessly, subconsciously I think this is how I always want my mouth to feel, then when I’m finished I will feel very let down because my mouth doesn’t feel the way I decided it needs to. Then since the feeling is associatied with ice cream, I crave ice cream to induce the feeling. Then what happens if I don’t get the ice cream? Frustration, sadness, anger. Even jealousy at seeing someone else having ice cream. Haha.

Since our experience is relative, something out of the ordinary can either lift me up or pull me down from the middleground. If I think this temporary elation is a thing all by itself and not relative to my center, it can be very painful to go back. Conversely it can be very pleasurable to go back after being pulled down from it. But that pleasure is dependent on experiencing the pain of being pulled down.

Pleasure is very dissatisfying if I’m not prepared for the inevitable pain that is mixed together with it. When I raise my perspective to a higher point I can see that the pleasure and pain are aspects of one experience. They are the same.

It’s so difficult but ultimately rewarding to be content with both pleasure and pain. Contemplating or trying to explain how they are the same thing is annoying. Experiencing them as the same thing is brilliant.

It’s very hard to express. Since these are all words.

It’s all balance. And balance is not standing still. Watch someone balance a stick on their chin and you can see how much activity there is. It’s a constant adjustment . It starts to fall to the right, move a little to the right. It starts to fall to the left, move a little to the left, etc.

Pleasure and pain are dependent on external conditions. Awareness , through much practice, remains stable and unaffected by external conditions.

I bought this over the weekend. Something that really struck me:

“‘Ashes do not come back to firewood’. Ash is ash. Ash should be completely ash. The firewood should be firewood. When this kind of activity takes place, one activity covers everything.” - Shunryu Suzuki

Ultimate truth really can’t be conveyed in words. So things seem silly or irrational. It’s in the experience. When something is burned, what remains is all there is. Our suffering comes from not accepting things as they are. Our preferences cause discontentment.

“When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself.
…
Of course it is often necessary to think or prepare before we act. But right thinking does not leave any shadow. Thinking which leaves traces comes out of your relative confused mind. Relative mind is the mind that sets itself in relation to other things, thus limiting itself. It is this small mind which creates gaining ideas and leaves traces of itself.”

Become what you are doing and when it is finished let it be over. When we are free of expectations we are free. This is very difficult and takes much practice.

Out of context these might be confusing. If you’re at all interested in working on your mind I highly recommend this.

I went to the Wat Lao Buddhavong again yesterday.

The first time I went I met a guy that was in a very similar situation as I am and has also accepted that it is his own fault.

Actually when I got there, a monk out front asked me if i was there to meditate. I hesitated as I wasn’t sure. He pointed and said, there is your friend.

I had never met the guy before but, of course, this is how monks are very wise. I started talking to Jeff for a while and he informed me of some of the customs he had learned about after visiting for a few days. It was very soothing to know that I’m not alone and that there is someone else who is also taking the steps to transforming their mind.

We walked around a bit and then some workers called us over. They had just finished a long day of work and were grilling some steaks, having some beer and relaxing.

It seemed like only two of them could really speak English well. One in particular, I unfortunately can’t remember his name was full of life and very generous. He said, go head, eat eat.

I told him I’m a vegetarian but since he was offering I felt accepting his gift was more important than my ideals. So I had a few pieces. They also had some sticky rice which was delicious. They had a very spicy sauce to dip everything in and my stomach felt upset afterwards.

After talking to those guys for a while my anxious feeling came back again. I realized it was time to go.

I went back into Manassas and spent the rest of the night with Haley. I was completely at ease again.

Yesterday I went and expected to see Jeff again but he wasn’t there. This time no one greeted me but there was one monk sitting at the pavillion on the edge of the pond. I walked up and sat down, we nodded to each other and then both sat in complete silence. After a bit he left and I moved down to the little dock closer to the water.

I watched all the activity that was going on in the pond. The day before I hadn’t noticed exactly how much life there was going on in the pond. Little bugs, dragonflies, koi, turtles,lilypads and some other plant that looks like a lilypad but comes up out of the water.

The turtles were my favorite. They kept coming up close to me and gently poking their heads out of the water and staring at me then out of nowhere darting back under the surface.

I walked back up the path towards the parking lot again and sat in a swinging chair and took a nice little cat nap.

I felt like I was really beginning to unlock the love inside of me so I went to Fair Oaks Mall. I walked around the perimeter of the upstairs and then the downstairs just observing and smiling at everyone that passed by. I’m just starting to be able to really see other people. We’re taught how we look doesn’t matter but we’re not taught exactly what does. Then we spend the majority of our lives watching flashing or printed images.

There were a few people that actually smiled back and it felt so warm. Everyone else was absorbed in their agendas and self-images. When they looked up at me they instantly looked away.

Before I’d internally criticize them for acting like that, but now that I’ve accepted that I am the exact same, compassion is slowly taking over the disdain.

Babies of course just look with their brilliant absorbing eyes. They instantly sense sincerity.

Then my ex-girlfriend called me and asked if I would like to go for a walk. I said sure. We spent a couple hours walking and then driving, talking all about how we feel right now. It was wonderful. Her boyfriend broke up with her and she’s aware of the mistakes she has made but just doesn’t know what to do. Hopefully me listening and sharing what I have been trying to do to improve helps her.

One of the things that came up was that for a long time she felt I was this perfect, hardworking father and husband. I sent an e-mail out recently detailing the mistakes I have made since I have been married. She said that was a complete shock and in some way I think it was comforting for her. To know that we are all fallible humans searching for happiness.

This is just the beginning and I have the rest of my life to work on it.

I am not losing anything. I’ve gained a very deep connection with two of the most beautiful beings I’ve encountered. All experience is precious. We delude ourselves from the present by the made-up cloud of either past or future.

Seeing things as they are without attaching labels.

“Once you have succeeded in freeing yourself from such attachment, the perception of the illusion-like nature of reality will automatically arise. Whenever things appear to you, although they appear to have an independent or objective existence, you will know as a result of your meditation that this is not really the case. You will be aware that things are not as substantial and solid as they seem. The term ‘illusion’ therefore points to the disparity between how you perceive things and how they really are.”

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Just in case you haven’t heard, Americans (in our stereotypical scheme to own EVERYTHING) are trying to own the internet. Yes. The internet. That’s crazy you say? Who would try and do something so stupid? Look no further than America.

Home of the free, as long as we own it and can charge you for it.

The inventor of the internet says that’s a bad idea. I think he might be on to something.

Here’s the original post I started to comment on a Tagworld post and ran out of room so I put it here:

I’m quite late on commenting, but very nice. I do think it’s a natural part of the process though. If you look at the internet as a collective whole, it’s going through an adolescence of sorts. Not to excuse them, but I can see how they’d be caught in the illusion of it all. Look at all of the magazine covers, television, movies etc. that we grow up with and it’s apparent the value that is being communicated. As the tv/industrial complex continues to lose steam and the more substantial value of inner beauty is rewarded through the internet we can hope that all of this will change. All the signs are there that it will, the problem right now is that the huge corporations pumping out these images have so much clout because of money. With new forms of currency popping up (such as reputation) it’s becoming much more valuable to be ethical and more tasteful. I’m admittedly an optimist but the outcome is in all of our hands. We aren’t just passive observers. We’re all interacting and contributing to these systems. Just look at how many hits the pages girls that post pictures like that get. Based on the attention they receive, why wouldn’t they think it’s a good thing?

While pointing out the problem is a very good start, we all need to figure out what we can do to help change it and most importantly, do it. Calling them names and simply criticizing them is counterproductive.

And for the other commentators, it’s hypocritical to sit back and say, “Right on, you tell those stupid girls” and then continue to support the pornography industry or even buying FHM or Maxim or the like. If you really believe what she’s saying is true you have to realize that you are encouraging this behavior by giving money to these companies. You have to stop supporting the industries that this type of behavior is a result of. With the action of giving them money you are saying, I support the commoditization of the female form. This then trickles down into young girls growing up watching this and believing that taking their clothes off is what people value.

If we all truly want this to change, we have to take action. We have to stop giving our money and attention to these companies that have established themselves on these false values.

We can’t just sit in our chairs and criticize other people’s behavior because it doesn’t change anything. We have to act. We have to identify how our own actions contribute to the situation and change them if necessary.

We are all a part of the system.

I have had the pleasure of connecting to these two through flickr and they’ve given me this gift:

“Art is a form of learning.”

Yes yes yes. Artists aren’t demi-gods with a glowing halo of artiness spewing from their pores. They’re (we’re) smelly, silly humans trying to make sense of the world.

They also started the very wonderful Art Recipes wiki and flickr group.

I have internet.
They have internet.
Let’s internet!

(Infected by Yorkers)

These human 1.0 bodies are the pits. Then again it’ll be a crazy notion thinking that some deviant staying up late in his/her room filled with angst could express themselves by coding a nasty virus just to see it spread.

I’ve been thinking about this the past couple days while nursing a little ailment.

I used to get so depressed when I was sick. Maybe I’m finally becoming an adult, haha.

I find it useful to get over the fear/aversion of getting sick and thinking I need a product to be happy and free from harm.

Discomfort is an opportunity to be free.

“The ultimate measure of a person is not where he or she stands in the moments of comfort and convenience but where he or she stands at times of change and controversy”
-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.